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charting (although not mine, but a friends)
11/02/12
my affections for Jesus are easily manipulated by church-going rituals.
i have been a proud participant in a variety of Jesus centered activities, yet with my extroverted personality it so easily can become about eveything but Him.
One of my closest friends and myself used to talk about being refined. It was a word that was spoken to her in a unique way; via facebook. This word captivated me and using it in sentences made me feel clever. Until recently my perception has changed. The word still pulls at my heart but in a very different way.
Refinment has got to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced and am experiencing. Jeff Bucknam, the senior pastor at Northview Church in Abbotosford recently said in a sermon “when people ask me about what God’s doing in their life I tell them, He is taking something that doesn’t look like Jesus (you and I) and refining us so that we will look like him”. Ouch. Continually this seems to be the state of my heart and mind. There’s yellow tape all around me “Caution”, im under mass construction. If people have ever told you that Jesus is a crutch, he has got to be the worst one Ever thought of! It’s not made easy, its not light rather its provoking, and demands everything. Sometimes I wish that the gospel was presented with the call, reciving it starts in dismay, it begins with repentance. Almost eveything I do as a Christian is being questioned. I don’t mind, I actually love questioning. But its made it hard, becuase built up walls are being torn down and the once crumbly foundation is being splattered with roots of righteouness. It’s like the Lord is convincing me. The truth of knowing Jesus and his Father is not just a ‘yes sounds good to me’ deal, its a life changing reality that calls for alot. The Lord has presneted his pitch. My life is in his hands. That means I am not in control. It means its about Him. It means rituals are turning into life engaging meetings and doctor appointments. It means I AM LOVED.
this is the rambeling of my heart.
you can email me shinae@hotmail.com
in pictures
grace.
Im starting to see the light in the storm. His name is Jesus.
this has got to be the first season in my life where i have wanted to give up. my head has pounded with pressure, my eyes have been weighed down by the river of tears i have cried and i have been carried by the Lord from my classroom to my room, dragging my feet one in front of the other.
mentally. well i don’t even know if i have a brain. exhaustion is its constant state. these two and a half weeks back in kona have been tormented by my flesh, pleading with me to go home. the work load is much. the Lord is showing me things that I thought I couldn’t deal with here because all my time is devoted to the black pen in my hand, white paper and his word. there was not one more thing i can handle. on top of it all, im faced with my biggest fear everyday: birds. they fly into my classroom everyday and i have the same of two routines, hide under my desk or run into the other room at the back of our classroom. bring it on, i guess.
the government has been sending me cheques, the exact amount a plane ticket would cost to get me from here to bellingham any day this week. gratefully i was able to talk to one of my best friends this weekend, Makaela, I was feeling encouraged and ready to bring on the next week (this week). one of the heftiest books i will study, Isaiah. what little zeal i had left me before i entered the class. i don’t think i heard a word that the Dr. shared. my hands were shaking, i was holding back tears, fidgeting about to explode. i staggered to the back of the class with stubborn tears on my face, grabbed a teacher, went outside passing another student having a break down with another staff member and dropped into a crusty old brown chair. weeping, the kind where your stomach aggressively pounds back and forth and you gasp for air. i had made up my mind, i was going home. after a necessary chat with my teacher my emotions, mind and flesh were still in the same spot. i stayed outside with my raccoon eyes and prayed. the Lord didn’t give me permission to leave, so i told him i would give him the week. i don’t know if he works like that, but i attempted. i am one of the many in my class who unwantingly sits in this boat. in fact one guy on my class bought a ticket to costa rica and was just going to leave, until the Lord came and talked to him. students in my class are failing and won’t be able to carry on if things don’t change. sickness is attacking and the enemy’s grip is not releasing. why would it? study the word, maybe i can get them out before they get to the Messiah? undoubtedly his type of plan.
its felt like i went from hell to heaven in a day. grace has covered me. grace has covered me. it was spoken to me in my breakdown. it doesn’t make it easy. but it makes it possible. thats why i have given my heart to the Lord, so he can take care of it.
prayer: yes please. help fight for me and my class, we want to make it to the end.
depths
56 days in.
4 sundays spent snorkeling.
Countless dreams.
just so you know
I have the tendency to classify the Lords work under one category. Fruit.
When I leave home this is not what seems to take place in my heart.
November has been one month of my identity being stripped. My councillor has been showing me the things that have defined my understanding and knowledge of the Lord.
Music has robbed a lot of my affection for Jesus and his kingdom. Secular tunes have drifted the focus of my mind to sinful temptations and an engaging response. Worship has become not from my own heart, mind and soul but from the artist and the melody. Time spent alone with God was difficult without me singing alongside someone else’s heart. Music shaped a lot of my emotions and hindered me from a constant state of moving forward. Therefore I have spent the last month music less. I am allowing God to redefine worship in my life. I don’t have a formula to this and am not too sure what exactly is taking place in my heart.
Consumerism in the form of clothes has distracted my heart. When an individual walks into the church and is noted on their appearance, complimented on their outward beauty, given attention because of looks and not complimented on their heart or encouraged by the word of the Lord in personal conversation, the idea of being accepted and loved is not solely because of the Lord but because of physical representation they show off. GUILTY AS CHARGED, on both ends have I been guilty and innocent. I do recognise that this topic is very broad and roots may very but for me I have seen this affect my understanding of acceptance.
My leadership entangles a mess of motives. Through reading the word I see glimpses of my characteristic in the antagonist of the story. I am lol’ing while I write this, it’s so humbling.
This combination of destruction has created a desperate need for a Savior. His persistent endurance to lead me to Him could not be more evident and it brings me to my knees.
Although not what I expected it’s perfect. I am so thankful that I have been redeemed and thankful that I am continuing to be sanctified. This has been one month of me being stripped.
Ruth
I met a girl named Ruth this week. This is a a piece of our conversation
Me: what grade are you in Ruth?
Ruth: in the grade 3 class
Me: oh. what are you learning about?
Ruth: this week is spiritual warfare
Me: ohhhh
Charting is filled with 6 of the 12 steps of the inductive bible study. One chart usually takes me 1 hour (min). This week I have 10 charts to do for the book of Joshua, this would be one of them…
Thursday morning at 8am was the due date for our Deuteronomy assignment. Then at 9 we filled up a yellow bus and drove to Makapala, an hour and a half drive to the northern part of the big island. We stayed at the Island Breeze base which was only hosting our school of 22 for the time being. If you think spending nine months studying the bible makes me a bible nerd.. well how about about reinacting the Israelites 40 years in the wilderness for two hours. Yup, it happened and it made for one of my favorite days so far. Ending with a camp fire, stories and star tripping- a fun night game. During one of the afternoons some of us drove in an empty 15 passger van to Pololu valley a tree saturated valley begining with phenomianl rock structure and black sand beach. Beautiful.
I heard thunderous rain for the first time in the night that kept me awake alone and in awe of the Lord.
This week we have a guest speaker Kernal Hansen, a archelogist teaching on the book of Joshua.
Pray for my heart, its under healthy construction.
shinae
For three weeks when I would fill this water jar I would take out the filter put the water in and then jam the filter back into it. I just realised I haven’t been drinking filtered water.
vs.
Where the ocean meets its skyline and sandy beaches, my mind still can’t fathom. The reality of this picture is rare to my eyes, postcards, magazines, and my imagination usually are the source to this beauty.
This somewhat blinding perception may also have made a small, but growing home in my heart.
The past seven days I have spent countless hours learning the inductive study approach for reading the bible. Twice as much time, studying and charting information. From 6am till 11pm yesteray I was busy. The bible is SOAKED in a truthful depth that im just learning about. 50 chapeters atleast 35 hours of being in it. Im not complaining im bragging. This time is meant to be foundational to my faith and some. This afternoon I noticed an eagerness in myself to just finsh my assingment. Some classmates were ahead of me, at the same place and some behind, but I made it a goal. I have read this book numerous times and was looking forward to handing in my stack of papers as much as I was to BE in my studies. Its like my eyes are just starting to see the Lord for the first time, im no longer staring at a postcard or hearing about Him in magazines, im studying His Love!
Hawaii itself. Oct 8 was famous for the Ironman that took place here in Kona. Thousands worldwide came to compete, swimming, biking and then running a marathon. A variety of cameras, languages, and reasons flocked the streets to witness the best of the best compete. Did you see me?? I was on live t.v.
I walk a marathon every day. Its 137 steps uphill or all downhill and takes about 7 minutes. I may get a tire around my belly but my legs are fine.
Downtown is beautiful! Just come and then I won’t have to brag about it. Meals are quite western so naturally I enjoy them. I eat salad 2 a day with vinegar and oil dressing (staying healthy here) tonight we are having chicken tai salad. Oh baby
Worship has been amazing. Spontaniously led and packed with joy. This week we have had Will Regan and the United Pursuit Band lead worship for us.
Its just about dinner time and after that I have to read the book of Exodus outloud and in one sitting. Go lungs!
Thanks for your prayers and investment in what God is doing in my heart!
Shins
